Big XII Teams as Pro Wrestlers

The people running Mizzourah are all hardworking, red-blooded Americans. That means we love a number of things. Among the things we have a deep appreciation for are: the 4th of July, BBQ, apple pie, college football and professional wrestling. So it only makes sense to compare the teams in the Big 12 to some of the most memorable professional wrestlers of the past 20 years.

Texas Tech- Rey Mysterio Jr.

You’re not gonna find too many wrestlers that are more entertaining to watch than Mysterio. You’re also not gonna find too many offenses more entertaining to watch than the one Mike Leach has constructed in Lubbock over the last nine years. Both feature high flying attacks and both are legitimately good yet usually fall short of hanging with the Oklahomas and Batistas.

Baylor- The Brooklyn Brawler

In pro wrestling some wrestlers are referred to as “jobbers.” They never win and are just thrown out in mid-card matches to try to give the real stars a push. The Brooklyn Brawler was the prototypical jobber . He was usually a heel (bad guy) but everyone rooted for him because there was no way not to. That didn’t change the fact that he sucked, never won and will only be remembered for being the worst of the worst.

Iowa State- Bastion Booger

Bastion Booger was a little-known borderline jobber from the early to mid-'90s. Arguable the ugliest professional wrestler of all-time. Almost as ugly as those Cyclone uniforms. Booger was a little more dangerous than the Brooklyn Brawler but still sucked and never accomplished anything of note.

Colorado-Sting

Both were very good at different times throughout the '90s and early '00s but were somewhat underappreciated. Sting’s career was eventually crippled when Eric Bischoff got out control and ran WCW into the ground and Colorado fell apart after Gary Barnett got out of control and ran the program into the ground. Sting has been trying to pick himself back up by wrestling in TNA but seems to have plateaued just as the Buffs have leveled off with the Hawkins boys.

Nebraska- Hulk Hogan

The biggest name in the history of the business who revolutionized the industry. There’s no denying his past greatness just like you can’t deny the greatness of the Tom Osborne Era. But now he is nothing but a joke. He thinks he's entitled to Wrestlemania main event matches even though he’s sucked for the better part of 15 years. Nebraska fans take pride in how loyal they are but recent players have lambasted the Husker faithful for being hypocritical. The same could be said of Hogan, whose gimmick was to “take your vitamins and say your prayers” and he ended up getting exposed in a steroid scandal. Both need to quit living in the 80’s/90’s.

Kansas State- 1-2-3 Kid/X-Pac

Originally a jobber before getting a push and developing into a borderline superstar as X-Pac with D-Generation X. Had some great moments and won a couple European and tag-team titles (equivalent of winning a number of Holiday Bowls). Both have faded into relative obscurity and are now laughed at by college football and wrestling fans alike. (I might need to change this one if K-State bounces back this season because God knows X-Pac ain’t makin’ a comeback.)

Oklahoma State- Road Dogg Jesse James

Both have always been decent but never made it to Prime Time match-ups. Each has had a good following but neither has ever really won anything. I make this comparison mainly because both are going to end up known more for their catchphrases than anything else. Road Dogg had “Ooh you didn’t know?!?” And Okie State has, courtesy of Mike Gundy, “I’m a man! I’m 40!”

Texas A&M- Bret Hart

At one time each had a cozy seat on the peak of the mountain but both have been knocked off and—much like Nebraska and Hogan, are now living in the past. The Aggie fans blame whoever happens to be coaching the team for their descent while Bret Hart points the finger at Vince McMahon for causing his fall from glory.

Texas- Ric Flair

One of the most storied programs of all time and the most legendary wrestler ever. Loud and at times obnoxious but truly great. Both have signature hand signs (UT’s hook ‘em Horns and Flair’s Four Horsemen sign). The Longhorns glory days might have ended when Vince Young graduated. Flair’s ended when he turned 90 eight years ago. 

Oklahoma- The Undertaker

I was tempted to just make this one Jim Ross but was able to resist. It’s hard to argue that these two are currently the best in their respective businesses. They’ve also both been good for a long time. Big, physical and downright scary. The Undertaker never got enough credit for how good of a heel he made just as OU fans haven’t gotten enough credit for how big of assholes they are. 

Kansas- John Cena

Both burst onto the championship scene from out of nowhere. Both ended up becoming vastly overrated and got way more credit than either deserved. Both flamed out to a certain degree before the talk of how overrated they were grew out of control and now people are recognizing that both did have some legitimate talent. Oh, and both are complete douchebags.

Mizzou- Shawn Michaels

My favorite team and my favorite wrestler. Yeah I'm totally biased, so what? But hey, both are high-flyers but neither are as gimmicky as Texas Tech and Mysterio. The Heartbreak Kid was a scrapper whose forte was his heart, a la Chase Daniel. Michaels was notoriously cocky. A lot of fans of other Big 12 teams think the same could be said of Mizzou fans. Maybe this one works better if you think of the pre-Wrestlemania 12 HBK, when he had only won Intercontinental Championships and no Heavyweights. Hopefully, the 2009 National Championship game is Mizzou’s Wrestlemania 12.