Lemme Holla At You, Ladies

To all my loyal fans (and you three know who you are), the Sleez is back!! There are a few things in this world I know. I know that when I shaved all my chest hair off I looked like a pudgy white guy. I know if you add bacon to almost anything it will make it better. One thing I know better then the rest is chicks. Big Head compared the Big 12 teams to chips. This is what he knows best and what chips leave the best oils on your hands to jerk off to. I would recommend he try Spicy Cheez-Its. I will compare all the FBS Conferences and what type of women they represent.

Independent:
Army Navy Notre Dame
This is by far the worst division. I have nothing bad to say against Army and Navy. They play their hearts out and when it's all said and done they will be deployed to the desert to defend our freedoms. Like the freedom to watch a shitty team every fucking week on NBC. The Irish posted a solid 3-9 record last year.

Chick: The Ralpher. This is the chick who is the life of the party, or at least she thinks she is. She is the one yelling and calling everyone pussies because she is out drinking them. An hour later she is praying to the porcelain god or passed out on the street.

MAC
Akron Central Michigan Northern Illinois Ball State Eastern Michigan Ohio Bowling Green Kent State Toledo Buffalo Miami (OH) Western Michigan
The MAC is next in line with having the worst teams in Division 1A. Sure they have great team names like Ball State and Kent State. These made up states probably border Homo River and Make believe land. At least that's where their hopes for a national championship live.

Chick: Farm Girl. She cant afford to go to a big university, nor was smart enough to get a scholarship. She gets the stereotype of being a fantasy for guys like me. However, this is usually not the case. She normally has bad teeth and knows the difference between Red Man and Copenhagen.

Sun Belt
Arkansas State Louisiana-Monroe Florida Atlantic Middle Tennessee State Florida International North Texas Louisiana-Lafayette Troy
Wow...I may have passed judgement on the MAC to early. This powerhouse conference is full of teams no one has ever heard of. Also, who knew that an airport in Florida had a team.

Chick: White Trash. These schools are not that well known and is firmly located in the heart of mobile homes and homes built out of drift wood. This type of chick can out swear out anyone around, and looks like she has not eaten in a month. She lives off of cigarettes and booze. But hey, who doesn't love some Whiskey Tango?

Conference USA
East Carolina Rice Tulsa Houston Southern Methodist UAB Marshall Southern Miss UCF Memphis Tulane UTEP
This conference is like the "field" bet. They have teams from New Mexico (UTEP) to East Carolina. These are the rejected teams that couldn't make the bigger conferences. They are like the fat kid who gets picked last in gym. Sure once in a while he may hit a home run but 99% of the time he sucks donkey balls.

Chick: Goth Chick. She is looking for attention anyway she can. These chicks are a lot of time fat since they eat when their feelings are hurt. They are also ugly since they also tried eating their face. Every once in a while you see a hot one but she is a passing fad. In a few weeks, she will be a prep.

Big Ten
Illinois Michigan State Penn State Indiana Minnesota Purdue Iowa Northwestern Wisconsin Michigan Ohio State
Here is the first big conference on the list. These teams have turned into mega maid. They have gone from suck to blow. Sure they have been in the championship game two years in a row but did they deserve it? Hell no!!! They suck harder then Big Head does when he is pulling tricks to make ends meet.

Chick: Virgin. Sure the idea sounds great, doing a virgin. But why? She is scared out of her mind so she pretty much lays there or asks you if she is doing it right. Also, it usually makes a big mess and is a big let down that she will remember for the rest of her life. Sounds like every BCS Title game Ohio State's played in over the last few years.

Mountain West
Air Force San Diego State Wyoming Brigham Young TCU Colorado State UNLV New Mexico Utah
Next in line is the Mountain West conference. They are slightly above the Big Suck, I mean 10. This conference has the biggest diversity of teams. They go from the holy Mormons of BYU to the City of Sin, UNLV. They had a pretty good year and was given 5 bowl games and won 4 of them. Somewhere John Smith is smiling and making up a bunch more shit.

Chick: Catholic Schoolgirl. BYU and TCU are both private schools. First thing that pops into every guys mind is school girl uniforms. Sure they are never as hot as the fantasy, but who cares. That's what Halloween and music videos are for. It's a guilty pleasure looking at them just like rooting for these teams. No one hates them and we all secretly want them to win whom ever they are playing.

WAC
Boise State Louisiana Tech Utah State Fresno State Nevada Hawaii New Mexico State Idaho San Jose State
Here at the turn we have the WAC. It was a toss up with the WAC and the Mountain West at this spot but they got the edge. Maybe it's because I have a good friend who is a big OU fan and I really hate OU and loved seeing them lose the way they did against Boise State. Hawaii had a good run but was way over hyped and got their asses handed to them by Georgia. They always have one shining star that comes out undefeated and gives the nation and sports writers plenty of ammo to bitch about the BCS. Side note: How the fuck did Louisiana Tech get into the Western Athletic Conference?

Chick: Hot chick with fat friends. This chick uses her friends to make herself look better, just like with these teams. One will use the rest to win all their games then get bitch slapped like the whore they are when they play against the big boys.

Big East
Cincinnati Rutgers Connecticut South Florida Louisville Syracuse Pittsburgh West Virginia
This conference has 8 teams that play football and 50 that play basketball. Just goes to show what is the more demanding sport. Football it requires skill, heart, discipline and brains. Basketball takes 5 really tall black guys. See the difference? They do have some good teams that play though. WV and Louisville are bad ass. On polar opposites though, Syracuse couldn't find their ass from a hole in the ground.

Chick: Sorority girl. This dumb broad is using daddy's money to go though college, aka party time. She has the same IQ as the percent of alcohol in her blood stream. She only goes after the biggest douche bag with popped collars and spiked hair. Fucking skanks, skanks, skanks. Jager Bomb.

ACC
Boston College Georgia Tech North Carolina State Clemson Maryland Virginia Duke Miami (FL) Virginia Tech Florida State North Carolina Wake Forest
There are a lot of up and coming teams besides just VT. Clemson, BC, VA and BC are now making a run for respect. Miami used to be good along time ago, but are way past their prime. Duke will always suck. These schools are making a lot of doctors and scientists. They will make more money then I could make in a life time of midget fighting.

Chick: Smart chick. These chicks will do great things with their life and probably help others along the way. They are smart and fun to be with. They will still talk to you even though you are a loser and have no life. Sometimes that's a turn on to them, because you are a challenge. Just like a chick trying to find Big Heads dick, its a challenge. Plus FSU is home to Jenn Sterger who is one of the hottest chicks on the planet!

Pac-10
Arizona Oregon State Washington Arizona State Stanford Washington State California UCLA Oregon USC
Pac 10 has been consistent. Their teams are so well balanced with each other its amazing that they all don't have 8-8 records at the end of the season. USC is still the cock of the walk but look out for Cal.

Chick: Cali girl. This chick has large boobs either natural or fake. I'll take them both. She is in school just long enough to get the idea of what the hell is going on and then hits the beach. She also cares about the environment, so recycle your bottles bitches.

Big 12
Baylor Kansas State Oklahoma State Colorado Missouri Texas Iowa State Nebraska Texas A&M Kansas Oklahoma Texas Tech
The runner up is the Big 12. Sure I could have put them up top. I can state that we had 3 teams in the top five at one point. And sure I could point out that you are reading this on a Mizzou site. But I am also a realist. The North is a bit weak and is Mizzou's for the taking. Also, Baylor brings down any hope of having 12 strong teams. The Big 12 has a true shot this year to bring home the crown.

Chick: Stripper. This chick is a chick that may not look the best, but demands your attention. When she is under the right lighting she could look like every fantasy chick you could ever want. When she is on point, the shows are awesome. However, when she is a little cracked out; the shows get a little sloppy and someone is getting a high heel to the eye, or have half your chest hair ripped out. (that last one did happen to me and it was not fun)

SEC
Alabama Georgia Mississippi State Arkansas Kentucky South Carolina Auburn LSU Tennessee Florida Mississippi Vanderbilt
The best conference in the land is still the SEC. These teams know how to play football. Even their weakest teams still are hard to beat and you can never slack off on an SEC team. A team with 3 loses in this division is still worthy of a National Title shot. They have perfected the art of recruiting. They laugh at school work and academics. If you can play ball, they can get you though college. All thugs are welcome.

Chick: Playmate. They are the cream of the crop. No one has as much beauty and grace as a Playmate. They are the fantasy for all men and the dream of many women to become. They are almost perfect in everywhere and I would be proud to drink any of their bathwater.

So....who's ready for some football or maybe knock out a few?