Big XII Teams as Punch-Out

The Big XII Conference is one of the most unbalanced conferences between conference pumps and conference pimps. Arguments in my family always ended with Nintendo and it's time to get some shit settled. Grab your Powerglove; it's Punch-Out time!

Iowa State is Glass Joe. Iowa State is just terrible. There's no way around it. Glass Joe is easy to defeat, and if you punch him once, it's over. Piss poor defense and a one-trick pony offense adds up to his crappiness. Weird shit is muttered out of his mouth, and appears to be missing teeth. Lose to him? Just lay the controller down and quit.

Baylor fits for Von Kaiser. He comes from a strange part of the world, and is just barely tougher than Glass Joe. He goes down quick and never makes it back. He'll throw a couple of drunken flurries at you, but a quick dodge can turn it around on him. Side Note- Once saw my brother lose to Van Kaiser. Instant comedy he'll never live down.

Colorado has to be Piston Honda. Piston appeared to be good before he got pissed on. There was hope there at one point, and he looks like he could throw down if needed. His defense is a little better than Glass Joe and Von Kaiser, but not much. He can hit hard and for an unprepared opponent his Banzai Rush Attack can be bad news.

Texas Tech fights as Don Flamenco. Flamboyantly gay, Don Flamenco is more worried about other things (hair, looking good, dancing) than fighting like a man. When you piss off Don Flamenco, if unprepared, you're fucked. The Flamenco upper cut means lights out if it lands a couple times. Flamenco is also the quickest one to knockout.

Kansas rolls on as King Hippo. XXXL King Hippo is one fat son of a bitch. When he opens his mouth is when everything starts to go downhill. He plays a great defense until he's caught with his pants down, which then, it's lights out baby.

There is a tie between Oklahoma State and K-State as Great Tiger. Great Tiger disappeared for most of the time only to come in with an offense that could knock you down. Great Tiger's mistake was he would teleport to the middle of the ring and get lit up like your uncle at an open bar.

Nebraska comes in as Bald Bull. Bald Bull is past his time. Actually, at least ten years past his prime. His Bull-Charge rushing offense is easily defended by anyone that had a clue. You knew it was coming because Bald Bull telegraphed it. When Bald Bull knocked Mac down, he would talk mad shit, only to never be able to back it up. In the original arcade version, Bald Bull was one of the top boxers, only in later years to drop in rankings.

Texas A&M is Soda Popinski. Fun fact Soda's real name in the game was Vodka Drunkenski because he was a stereotypical foreigner. Soda is easy to beat if you stick to your game. If not, he'll beat you. His offense comes out of nowhere, and will get you.

Mizzou dresses up as Sandman. Sandman's offense might be the best in the game. Has a vast array of knockout blows and the "Dreamland Express" will knockout Mac in an instant. When you're behind Sandman, it's easy to get back into the game, but you won't win if you start off behind because of Sandman's offense.

Texas enters as Mr. Macho Man. Macho Man appears to be old as fuck, but is actually young (only 27). Looks like he's been in the game a long time. Macho Man will taunt you when you're down, and once held the belt. If you knock down Macho Man, it just pisses him off, and that 360 degree punch is coming harder than it's ever come before. Macho Man will easily knock you out.

Oklahoma is the champ, Mike Tyson or Mr. Dream (depends on the version your cheapass bought). This guy has all the tools to stay on top. It's damn near impossible to beat him without cheating on a Game Genie. His offense is quick and deadly. One uppercut, and you're going down quicker than my girlfriend after watching Sex in the City.